{On April 5, 2013, we will celebrate the 15th Anniversary of the First Friday Book Synopsis, and begin our 16th year. During March, I will post a blog post per day remembering key insights from some of the books I have presented over the 15 years of the First Friday Book Synopsis. We have met every first Friday of every month since April, 1998 (except for a couple of weather –related cancellations). These posts will focus only on books I have presented. My colleague, Karl Krayer, also presented his synopses of business books at each of these gatherings. I am going in chronological order, from April, 1998, forward. The fastest way to check on these posts will be at Randy’s blog entries — though there will be some additional blog posts interspersed among these 30.}
Post #18 of 30
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Synopsis presented May, 2006
Never Eat Alone And Other Secrets to Success, One Relationship at a Time (The Ultimate Networker Reveals How to Build a Lifelong Community of Colleagues, Contacts, Friends, and Mentors) by Keith Ferrazzi (with Tahl Raz). (Currency • Doubleday. 2005).
“There are two kinds of people…” Ok, I know that it’s more complicated than that. But, maybe there is a spectrum, and on one end there is the person who was born to schmooze. (“Schmooze” — to converse informally : chat; also : to chat in a friendly and persuasive manner especially so as to gain favor, business, or connections), and on the other end, there is the person who just does not seem to connect with others, and seems to avoid any and all interactions.
The world belongs to the schmoozers.
Though this may be partly “personality type,” anybody can get better at this. And this is the book to help you do that.
I had a little trouble narrowing down to just two books for 2006. There were certainly other good options. For example, it is almost impossible to not include The Long Tail by Chris Anderson, which I presented in August, 2006. It is an important book, and helps describe the success of Amazon, and the decline of the local neighborhood Blockbuster store.
And there were other good choices.
But I decided there is no way around it. Anybody, with any career ambitions, simply has to read Never Eat Alone.
We are living in a time when certain skills absolutely matter, but some are not quite “taught,” and others not quite “learned,” in college. Skills like: how to speak well. I teach presentation skills in intensive two-day workshops, and person after person, who “learned” all of this stuff in college Speech class, now speak/present like they never learned a single thing. I make part of my living partially reminding people about stuff they forgot from their college days. (Or, maybe they never paid attention at all)…
This book is about one of those necessary skills that was not quite taught…
So… let’s start here:
In one word, Connect. In four better words: Connect with the connectors.
If the world belongs to schmoozers, we might want to call this book “The Schmoozer’s Bible.” From the book:
“Relationships are all there is. Everything in the universe only exists because it is in relationship to everything else. Nothing exists in isolation. We have to stop pretending we are individuals that can go it alone.” (Margaret Wheatley).
To achieve your goals in life, I realized, it matters less how smart you are, how much innate talent you’re born with, or even, most eye-opening to me, where you came from and how much you started out with. Sure all these are important, but they mean little if you don’t understand one thing: You can’t get there alone. In fact, you can’t get very far at all.
Success in any field, but especially in business, is about working with people, not against them.
Now, this may sound like a self-centered approach. But, in fact, the best networkers are intent on helping others. That is the only kind of networking that matters.
I learned that real networking was about finding ways to make other people more successful.
but/and…
“So, you want the inside scoop… I’ll sum up the key to success in one word: generosity… But, here’s the hard part: You’ve got to be more than willing to accept generosity. Often, you’ve got to go out and ask for it.” Until you become as willing to ask for help as you are to give it, however, you are only working half the equation.
But, saying that, this is also a self-focused survival skill. Why?
Lifetime corporate employment is dead; we’re all free agents now, managing our own careers across multiple careers across multiple jobs and companies. And because today’s primary currency is information, a wide-reaching network is one of the surest ways to become and remain thought leaders of our respective fields.
Now, when you network, it is a long-haul challenge and assignment:
The dynamics of building a relationship is necessarily incremental. You can only truly gain someone’s trust and commitment little by little over time.
And, how do you do this. You “get out there” and mix and mingle…
Sticking to the people we already know is a tempting behavior. But unlike some forms of dating, a networker isn’t looking to achieve only a single successful union. Creating an enriching circle of trusted relationships requires one to be out there, in the mix, all the time.
Set a goal for yourself of initiating a meeting with one new person a week. It doesn’t matter where or with whom.
And good networking requires coming up with, and working, a system:
Whom you meet, how you meet them, and what they think of you afterward should not be left to chance. As Winston Churchill would tell us, preparation is – if not the key to genius –then at least the key to sounding like a genius. Before I meet with any new people I’ve been thinking of introducing myself to, I research who they are and what their business is. I find out what’s important to them: their hobbies, challenges, goals – inside their business and out. Before the meeting, I generally prepare a one-page synopsis on the person I’m about to meet. The only criterion for what should be included is that I want to know what this person is like as a human being, what he or she feels strongly about, and what his or her proudest achievements are.
The successful organization and management of the information that makes connecting flourish is vital. Tracking the people you know, the people you want to know, and doing all the homework that will help you develop intimate relationships with others can cause one heck of an information overload. How do you manage it?
Remember, if you’re organized, focused, and a stickler for taking names, there’s no one that’s out of reach.
and
The dynamics of a network are similar to those of a would-be celebrity in Hollywood: Invisibility is a fate far worse than failure… In building a network, remember: Above all, never, ever disappear. Keep your social and conference and event calendar full… you must work hard to remain visible and active among your ever-budding network of friends and contacts.
After one of those connections/contacts/interactions is successful, DON’T DROP THE BALL! FOLLOW UP!
In such a (fast-paced, digital) world, it’s incomprehensible that only a small percentage of us decide to follow up once we’ve met someone new. I can’t say this strongly enough: When you meet someone with whom you want to establish a relationship, take the extra little step to ensure you won’t be lost in their mental attic… Do you want to stand out from the crowd? Then you’ll be miles ahead by following up better and smarter than the hordes scrambling for the person’s attention. The fact is, most people don’t follow up very well, if at all.
To be good at this, it really helps if you like: #1, people, and #2, having conversations.
The fact is that small talk – the kind that happens between two people who don’t know each other – is the most important talk we do…
The one trait that was common among the class’s most accomplished graduates was “verbal fluency” (from a study of successful Stanford MBA graduates). In front of an audience, at a dinner, or in a cab, these people know how to talk. The more successfully you use language, the faster you can get ahead in life.
So what should your objective be in making small talk? Good question. The goal is simple: Start a conversation, keep it going, create a bond, and leave with the other person thinking, “I dig that person,” or whatever other generational variation of that phrase you want to use.
And, be sure to stand out:
When it comes to making an impression, differentiation is the name of the game.
The book is filled with practical advice – stuff you can actually do, on purpose, to get better at this. Here is some of it (included in my handout from my synopsis):
• The Skill Set
• do your homework – prepare before every meeting…
• take, and track, names
• warm up your cold calls
• draft off a reference; state your value; talk a little, say a lot. Make it quick, convenient, and definitive; offer a compromise.
• manage the gatekeepers – artfully
• NEVER EAT ALONE!
• share your passions
• follow up or fail
• express gratitude; include items of interest/value; reaffirm commitments (both ways); be brief; use e-mail and snail mail; timeliness is key; follow up with the go-betweeners; MAKE FOLLOW UP A HABIT!
• be a conference commando
• help (or, better yet, be) the organizer; listen. Better yet, speak; guerrilla warfare: organize a conference within a conference; draft off a big kahuna; be an information hub; master the deep bump (read page 121); know your targets; breaks are no time to take a break; follow up; it’s the people, not the speakers; (don’t be this person: the wallflower, the ankle hugger, the celebrity hound, the smarmy eye darter, the card dispenser/amasser).
• Connecting with connectors
• especially with the great connectors: restaurateurs, headhunters, lobbyists, fundraisers, public relations people, politicians, journalists
• expand your circle
• master the art of small talk
• learn the power of non-verbal cues (smiles; balanced eye contact; be sincere; keep your arms uncrossed; nod your head and lean in; learn to touch people); develop conversational currency; adjust your Johari window; make a graceful exit; until we meet again; learn to listen; if all else fails, five words that never do: “You’re wonderful. Tell me more.”
The title really does say it the best. “Never Eat Alone.” The “bowling alone” era requires a new set of skills.
The book has a terrific feature interspersed throughout the book called The Connectors Hall of Fame, with stories of: Bill Clinton; Katharine Graham; Paul Revere; Dale Carnegie; Vernon Jordan; the Dalai Lama; Benjamin Franklin; Eleanor Roosevelt. The story of Bill Clinton and his systematic approach to connecting from his early days is worth the price of this book.
A while back , I wrote a simple blog post: How to Market Yourself. I started it with this:
It almost doesn’t matter. Seriously – it almost doesn’t matter. Market yourself any way you want to. Use social media, use the D-R-I-P method. Use the farming approach of a good real estate agent. Refine your elevator speech. Get serious about using Constant Contact.
Yes, of course there are ways to do it that are better than other ways. But it almost doesn’t matter which approach you take.
If you really want to market yourself – then, market yourself.
So – let me repeat. Market yourself. Never Eat Alone! Get out there and schmooze, schmooze, schmooze.
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You can purchase many of our synopses, with our comprehensive handouts, and audio recordings of our presentations, at our companion site 15minutebusinessbooks.com. The recordings may not be studio quality, but they are understandable, usable recordings, to help you learn.
(And though the handouts are simple Word documents, in the last couple of years we have “upgraded” the look of our handouts to a graphically designed format).
We have clients who play these recordings for small groups. They distribute the handouts, listen to the recordings together, and then have a discussion that is always some form of a “what do we have to learn, what can we do with this?” conversation. Give it a try.
First Friday Book Synopsis 
I loved this book! And this is a great summary of it. Thank you, Randy! Great job!!!