{On April 5, 2013, we will celebrate the 15th Anniversary of the First Friday Book Synopsis, and begin our 16th year. During March, I will post a blog post per day remembering key insights from some of the books I have presented over the 15 years of the First Friday Book Synopsis. We have met every first Friday of every month since April, 1998 (except for a couple of weather –related cancellations). These posts will focus only on books I have presented. My colleague, Karl Krayer, also presented his synopses of business books at each of these gatherings. I am going in chronological order, from April, 1998, forward. The fastest way to check on these posts will be at Randy’s blog entries — though there will be some additional blog posts interspersed among these 30.}
Post #13 of 30
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Synopsis presented February, 2004
Women Don’t Ask: Negotiation and the Gender Divide by Linda Babcock and Sara Laschever (Princeton Unversity Press, 2003).
As I write this, I am reading Lean In by Sheryl Sandberg, which I will present at the April, 2013 First Friday Book Synopsis. I have presented quite a few books that would fall, in one way or another, in the “women in business/women in the workplace” category: Knowing Your Value by Mika Brzezenski, Womenomics by Claire Shipman and Katty Kay, How She Does It by Margaret Heffernan, Play Like a Man, Win Like a Woman by Gail Evans, The Mary Kay Way by Mary Kay Ash (and, a couple of others – not quite “women in business books,” but important books by women authors: Quiet by Susan Cain, Fierce Leadership by Susan Scott). And this book, Women Don’t Ask. I have not read enough by women authors on this subject, but it as an issue that I have tried to pay attention to — and give attention to.
The numbers are stark, and the situation is really impossible to ignore. Just tonight as I write this, on the evening news, there is the story of alarming insensitivity by the male leaders, and an overall lack of justice, regarding the way the military is “handling” the “rape problem” by military personnel. (You can read about this here).
But, of course, the problem is not just outright abuse – it is an overall failure to provide equal treatment, equal opportunity for women in the workplace. Women, who are now the majority of college graduates at every level of education, are not yet genuinely represented at the top. In pretty much every arena.
So this book, Women Don’t Ask, is one of many to help us understand the ongoing and unique challenges women face in the workplace. The authors make their point so very clearly. Women don’t “get” because women don’t ask. From the book:
Women don’t ask. They don’t ask for raises and promotions and better job opportunities. They don’t ask for recognition for the good work they do. They don’t ask for more help at home. In other words, women are much less likely than men to use negotiation to get what they want.
And, they really do need to learn to ask, and then actually start asking, because… well:
Negotiation is no longer optional. It’s become a basic survival skill.
and
Besides not realizing that asking is possible, many women avoid negotiating even in situations in which they know that negotiation is appropriate and expected.
Women’s lack of success in moving up the ladder (breaking through that glass ceiling) means:
Women’s continuing lack of political and economic power ensures that much of the control over their lives does in fact remain in other hands. This basic reality of life – the unequal balance of power between men and women – determines adult perceptions about who is in control and influences the developing beliefs of children.
And, because women simply “accept” what is offered in so many situations, they misunderstand reality.
Women are much more likely than men to think that simply working hard and doing a good job will earn them success and advancement (taken from Deborah Tannen, Talking from 9 to 5…)
Women are much more likely than men to think that simply working hard and doing a good job will earn them success and advancement (taken from Deborah Tannen, Talking from 9 to 5…) The belief that merit will be rewarded is fundamental to the American dream – in this country if we’re talented and work hard, we believe that recognition and rewards will follow. Although both men and women are raised with this idea, evidence suggests that women hold tighter to the conviction that hard work alone is – or should be – sufficient.
Before we decide to negotiate for something we must be first dissatisfied with what we have. We need to believe that something else – more money, a better title, or a different division of household chores – would make us happier or more satisfied. But if we’re already satisfied with what we have or with what we’ve been offered, asking for something else might not occur to us. Ironically, this turns out to be a big problem for women: being satisfied with less.
Part of this imbalance comes because women value relationships over other business “issues.”
Women’s strong urge to foster and protect relationships can make many of them fear that a disagreement about the issues being discussed – actually represents a personal conflict between the negotiators involved.
Contrasted with:
Why do men outperform women in negotiations? Targets – the goals men and women take into negotiations – have been shown to make a critical difference.
Maybe one thing that needs to happen in the workplace is for men, who clearly have more power, with higher numbers in higher positions in many more arenas, to decide to help remedy that situation. From the book:
it is everyone’s job – especially the job of men – to help change the workplace practices so that women are, in fact, equals in practice.
And here is the strategy that the authors recommend:
• on the path to change:
• women need to acknowledge that they always have dual goals in a negotiation: issue related goals and relationship goals
• women need to reframe (and need to help men reframe) a negotiation away from a contest or a competition, and view it as a chance to share ideas with the opposing negotiator and work together to solve problems that affect both
• in a moment of “impasse,” women can respond not like “men” (shouting) or “women” (becoming emotional or backing down), but with “negotiation jujitsu”
(staking out your position, but deflecting at the moment of impasse). In other words, “disarm the tough guys”
Men ask. All the time. For everything they want. But, women don’t ask, and thus they do not “get.” That’s what this book says. Women need to learn to ask — and then, they need to actually ask.
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(Two footnotes:
#1 — Visit the authors’ web site: womendontask.com. It includes a treasure trove of statistics, a terrific Q&A, and other valuable material.
#2 — Since this book came out, and was reinforced by their follow-up book Ask For It, which my colleague Karl Krayer presented at the May, 2009 First Friday Book Synopsis, more women have learned to ask. But, sadly, that still has not brought about the changes needed. The premise was that if women did start asking, they would “get.” Maybe the problem is much deeper – maybe men, who now “have,” simply do not want to give up their power and authority and position. This sort of reminds me of one of the profound lines from Dr. Martin Luther King’s Letter from Birmingham Jail:
We know through painful experience that freedom is never voluntarily given by the oppressor; it must be demanded by the oppressed.
I could not find the link to the article I remember reading a while back about how even though women are now asking, things are not changing much. But this article, Women Don’t Negotiate Because They’re Not Idiots by Joan Williams, will help explain the current difficulty regarding the “tightrope” that women in the workplace have to walk).
First Friday Book Synopsis 