Conversation. It’s the way relationships are built. – (The Inadequacy of E-mail)

The best negotiators spend 40 percent of their preparation time finding shared interest with the other party.
Guy Kawasaki — Enchantment:  The Art of  Changing Hearts, Minds, and Actions

—————

Back in my Long Beach, California days (mid 1970s-late 1980s), Loren was a member of our church and a top insurance sales person.  I mean top.  He knew his stuff.  And he knew everybody.  Everybody.

He had an odd (make that brilliant) personal habit.  He paid every bill in cash, and in person.  He would go to the bank, and see his favorite teller (if you’re young, ask me, and I can tell you what a bank teller was), and withdrew enough cash to go pay his bills.  Then, he would make the rounds.  He paid his mortgage in cash, in person.  He paid his electric bill, in cash, and in person.  And all of his other bills.  He would give the money to a human being, and get a receipt — and, oh yes, have a nice leisurely conversation in the process.

I don’t know how many of those people actually bought insurance from him, but I suspect that a bunch of them did – and they also probably passed his name along more times than we could count.  He was an insurance agent that they knew personally – they saw him every month.

Loren liked people.  He liked to spend time with people.  And they thought he cared about them.  Because, he did care about them.  They knew it – they sensed it.

Guy Kawasaki, in Enchantment, says this one thing in a bunch of different ways:  people do business with people they like.  And they like people who like them.  And, they know they like them because they want to know them – to learn what they do, what they like, what interests them.  (I forget which author wrote this, but the average person really most likes to talk about…himself/herself).

So, how should we communicate?  In person; by phone; by e-mail?

I don’t know what I would do without e-mail.  I can send stuff (like book synopsis handouts), I can ask simple questions, get simple and needed information.  But, e-mail is not much of a tool at building a genuine human relationship.  Neither is Facebook, or Twitter, or LinkedIn.

The other day, I got a “special” new follower on my Twitter account:  Ken Blanchard.  It was almost a take-my-breath away moment.  Ken Blanchard was following me on Twitter.  I’ve read, and recommended his books.  I think he is a genius at simple and clear communication – the best kind.  And now he is following me on Twitter.

But, just how ridiculous am I being?  He does not know me.  I do not know him.  (I met him once – I suspect he does not remember, though I do.  I also met Lorne Green once, at the baggage claim at LAX – I bet he didn’t remember me either).  Twitter following ≠ relationship.

Here is a simple formula.  Conversation before “confirmation.”  Let’s think about e-mail as a “confirmation tool.”  Use e-mail to confirm a meeting, a meeting place, an understanding.  But, let’s let e-mail be step number two.  First, we talk, preferably in person.  Conversation before confirmation.

Remember Loren.  He showed up, paid his bills in person, and made a lot of friends in the process.  He knew these people.  He liked them.  They enjoyed seeing him walk up to their window, and any other time he saw them (which he did, often – and he always stopped and chatted for a bit).

This beats e-mail, don’t you think? (This photo is from a “let’s make conversations happen” initiative at the University of Iowa. Click on image to read about the program.

Conversation.  Eyeball-to-eyeball, fully-present conversation.  It’s the way relationships are built – personal, business, and every other kind.